i always mess things up
but this time i did nothing
and its still messed up

i have never hated anyone more than i hate the person sleeping in my room. i hate seeing her belongings. i hate seeing her face. i hate hearing her speak. last night i have the best dream... i yelled at her and she moved out.
she has no respect for anyone but her. its all about her. she doesnt clean up her nasty dishes, she doesnt clean up her nasty hair, she uses my belongings, she is rude and i cant wait til she is gone!!!!

i dont care if you pick up the room a bit, but bitch dont touch my stuff. its not yours so dont touch it. okay? dont pick it up. dont move it. dont even look at it.
UGGGGHHHHH
dont disrespect me, my friends, or anyone that i care about because it just makes me hate you even more than i already do now....
GO BACK TO CHILE YOU SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, WANNA BE PRINCESS, LYING, TEASE BITCH!

so im sitting at work right now... FREEZING!
there is nothing to do and all i can think of to keep my fingers from getting frost bite is typing in my almost abandoned livejournal.
its been a while since i have said anything in here... maybe thats because im too freakin busy to even shower!
why cant they just turn the freakin AC off.... its not even 70 degrees outside!!!!!!!!
i hate people!
and summer school

do you ever feel like life/time is just passing by you while you are remaining stationary?.... it is what i have felt like for the past almost a month and i dont know what to do about it. i feel like everything: school, family, friends, work, calvin.... everything is just happening and im not really apart of it. i hate this feeling and i want it to stop. i have had emotional break downs everyday, sometimes twice a day. when im getting home from school i usually tell myself "jessie get your stuff done. chill out a bit. then go to bed" but does that happen..... NO! its 1245 right now and im still awake. :( i dont even know why im awake... im just awake.
i want to get out of this pit im in and i dont know how. :( pray for me

My life is getting more exciting and happy by every min.
I'm becoming more comfortable being me. I have always felt self conscious in my own skin, but I'm realizing that I am beautiful no matter how I look… in sweats or dress clothes, I am beautiful. It has taken me sometime to be comfortable saying this, but I can now.

These last two years at school I was so unhappy with my major. I figured math was the only thing I was good at in high school so I guess ill major in math. I've hated math for the past year. I haven't gotten good grades in math. I thought, if I want to get out of college at a decent time I can't change my major…Its not possible. Well after having an emotional break down, I realized for sure that math is something that I cannot do for the rest of the under grad life. I don't want to have a miserable two years when I should be having the time of my life. Someone once told me "if you aren't having fun in your under grad years, you're doing something wrong." I was doing something wrong… but now it's all right! I was unsure what I wanted to change to. I thought about a few different majors… global studies, environmental studies, religious studies, sociology … I finally decided history. It makes the most sense. I know that I want to be a guidance counselor and to be a guidance counselor you need to teach first. I wanted to teach something that would be found in every school and it's pretty much guaranteed that every high school in the world will have history. So now I begin the long trek of finishing a history major that I have barely started. It's intimidating, but I know that I will be able to accomplish anything I put my mind to.

Last year I really struggled with my living situation. i did not get along with my room mate… in fact, I didn't even have a relationship with her to even know her to see if I got along with her or not. She was never there and when she was she was sleeping or listening to music in her fat headphones. I tried to get to know her, but stopped when she never made the same effort as me. I felt alone and that resulted in depression. For a while I didn't even want to socialize with close friends. This year, I couldn't ask for a more perfect room mate or house. I love everything about living at my house. I love the girls, I love the way it feels like I home. I love that I can be myself, I love that it's an escape from school, I love that i feel like I can talk to them about anything. There are a couple girls that I'm closer to than others, but that's okay. I couldn't ask for more in house mates.

My family has been so supportive this year. I know there have been some hard situations with losing loved ones and things that don't need to be said to the public, but they have been there for me through all of my life and I couldn't ask for a more perfect family. Kory is going to college in Jan to be a fire fighter! The thought of that just brings me joyous tears. I'm so proud of him. Kyler's band is getting public notice and he even mixed their first demo pretty much all on his own! He's such a smart kid and I can only see amazing things happening to him in his life. I just wish I was able to be home more… specially during times when he needs someone to talk to. My parents are doing great. My dad is so supportive of me, emotionally and financially. I don't think I could ask for a better Dad. He is one of the most selfless men I know. My mom is my rock. Sometimes I do bitch at her, but with out her I wouldn't be who I am now. I for sure wouldn't have made it through college. She's physically getting better, but has a long way to go. I feel helpless in her pain, but all I can really do is pray that Jesus heals her and heals her fast. I love my family and couldn't ask for anything more!

Last year, my emotions were kind of all over the place. I pretty much liked a new guy every other week. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and I simply didn't know how to be in college and be single. It was tough… trust me; I would have rather not dealt with the feeling of a light heart break every month. I would get close to people and they would let me go or I would let them go… but it's okay… because if I wouldn't have let go or vice versa, I wouldn't be with the amazing man that I am with today. He's everything I could ever want in someone. It took us sometime to become 'official' but that's okay, we wanted to make sure it was going to be something meaningful and big… and it is. :). He's amazing and makes me feel complete. He is my best friend, he is my love, he is my joy, he is happiness, he is my fun, he is my excitement. I'm looking forward to everything we will get to share together in our future. Let's just put it this way… forever is looking pretty happily ever after. :)

I am so thankful for every that has made this year so much better than last year- self worth, major changes, friends, living situation, family, boyfriend. Life looks pretty amazing right now and I'm sure it's only going to get better.

the shins were amazing!














<3

i try to write compelling words.
i try to put my feelings in paper.
i try to express my inner thoughts because when i do, they arent hidden- even from me.


once again God has really broke me this summer. The last year at school i was leading a life centered around me. i was on my own agenda. i didnt care about school, establishing relationships, spending time with people that cared about me. when i had to start thinking about my summer plans i decided that i was going to run from everything. i was going to run so far. i was going to run to a place that i didnt know and a place that didnt know me. i was going to go to london. it was what i wanted and i didnt care who was going to oppose the idea. i wanted to leave all my mistakes of the year and start fresh. im sure of it now that this "starting fresh" would lead me further down the path of unrighteousness- wickedness. i decided not to run from my sb worries and hardships. i figured, "im here doing what im doing, what not stay? i want to and its fun right?" what i wanted- yes. what i needed-no. i needed to put my self in a situation in which i would grow to the place i wanted to be at.
last summer i told my self that i would never ever return to camp oakhurst because of all the problems that i had with the camp the previous summer. ... for some reason God changed my heart towards the camp. He helped me to remember all the campers who brightened my day. the friendships with the fellow staff. the hard times that built me up. i went back to camp oakhurst as the ropes team leader. when i first heard this was my job i thought "sweet, ill be in charge of people. this will be easy!" HA! boy, was it far from easy. i had so many personal issues holding me back from my full potential. i had conflicts with administration. i had a poor attitude in almost ever work environment i was assigned to. i found out that part of my job description was to lead a daily devotional and that freaked me out. how was a supposed to be a spiritual leader if i wasnt even in the right place myself..... and then it happened. God put a person in my life to speak through and tell me "Jessie... arent you hear to serve Me?" not only did this person help me with my attitude about camp, but this person helped me realize that things i was doing, "mistakes" werent what God wanted to see in me. This person helped me to see that God has amazing plans for me and i cant just sit around doing whatever i want. I need to act in ways that will please Him. i need to stop living life for me, and start living life for Him

there is a song by sufjan stevens entitled Chicago.
its a good one.
the words spoke to me.

I fell in love again
All things go, all things go
Drove to Chicago
All things know, all things know
We sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

I drove to New York
In the van, with my friend
We slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
In my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

If I was crying
In the van, with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go




to me, it seems like this song is about surrendering the things of this world for the things of God. He says all things go because he realizes that all things in this world are temporary. "You came to take us... to recreate us" is about Jesus and how He changes peoples hearts. Sufjan cries in the van with his friend because he wants to let go of this world, "freedom from myself and from the land", and just live for Jesus.





i want to live for Jesus.

this summer i have realized somethings.
im getting older.
i need a man of God.
i need to eat more.
i need to take care of my body.
i need to be less stressed.
i need to talk to people that i care about about things that bother me before it gets too late.
i can not loan anything to anyone if i want to get it back.






i want to get out of oakhurst. i think sitting here makes me even hate it more.
i want to go somewhere new.
its cheap to fly to ireland right now. i want to, but i dont want to go alone.
i want to be able to drive
i want to move to sb now.
i want to get rid of all the belongings that i dont need
i want to stop falling......

my brother is watching nickelodeon right now and im really confused because its jimmy nutron and fairly odd parents mixed together! i dont know whats going on!!!!!!!

this summer so far has been a so so one. ive been working ALOT. its interesting to be back at camp specially since its so different this summer. ive been working as the ropes team leader and the guy who is supposed to be my "partner" hasnt really been partnering me very well.  hes has been questioning my authority, decisions and experience. to sum it up hes pretty much on a power trip. ive been working my butt off to get the team this year trained and able to run a course without me and hes been pretty much doing nothing as it seems.
i want to leave oakhurst. i get to in 4ish days.... i get to go to sb, i get to see andrew, i get to get out of the heat, i get to see my new house, i get to see the ocean, i get to see the fireworks with my dear, i get to leave my crasy family for a few, i get to escape. the only think im worried about  is not wanting to come back.  i havent really been having the best of times, but hopefully everything will pick up really soon. im ready for it to at least.
it has been really hard being away from andrew this summer. i want to be there for him through everything and being 300 miles away makes that really difficult. hes been having a tough time with the long distance and i really dont know how to help him through it, but i know i need to. if we want this to work, im going to have to try hard to make him feel like it will...hhhhh i hate this.
i need to go to work now.
EW

andrew johns makes me smile uncontrollably ... and i like it
.

two essays, a final to study for, a room to pack, 16 hours on amtrak 22 hours of work....
in one week i will be finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im looking forward to it, and now all i need to do is focus on the most important thing in life, fulfilling my role as a student. no slacking!


ok maybe a little fun with in the next week.
:)
-jessie

dear lj. its been three years. i know i have neglected you at times, but you have always been there for me.
youre a good friend lj.
happy three years

 ive mess it up big time and its always on my mind.
i cant even sleep. eat. read. hang out. study. work. listen to music. do sudoku. play minesweeper..... anything, without thinking about how stupid i have been this quarter. i just want it to be summer
i think im going back to camp.
i know i said i would never in a million years, well my heart has changed. i really have a feeling that this summer will be better. i wont be going into it with the wrong intensions. i called christa today about working there and she said she would have to talk to gary, but i could possibly be a host or ropes leader. a ropes leader pretty much means that i will be a supervisor over the ropes team, but i will be under the activities manager. pretty intense, but im ready for a challenge. i want to be in ropes because i love it. not only do i like working 40+ feet in the air and being able to see the beautiful sierra nevada mountains! but i love the kids. i love their faces when they conquer their fears. i love their excitement when they have see what they are going to do for the next hour. granted, there are sucky days, but being out side in the moutains every day hanging out with kids and building relationships that are meaningful... its all worth it. AH im so excited about this summer now. less than one month and ill be done with freaking school. i hate that some of my friends are already out and im not even done with midterms!!!!
i have had some big changes in my life with in the past month and im excited to tell everyone about it ... so :) ill let you all know in due time. :) lets just say that i cant stop smiling. :) :) :) :) :) :)
life is pretty crazy right now, and there are somethings that i wish would have gone differently, but im happy and thats all that matters.


i have deactivated my facebook. its been almost two days with out it and i miss it, but it feels good to not be tied to some stupid meaningless thing.... a facebook fast. its kinda refreshing and i recommend everyone do it at least once in your life.

so... something i have noticed lately and its driving me crazy............................ why do 20ish old guys have mustaches. they just look all 70s and its gross.









it just doesnt look good my friends..... shave it off!!!!!
-jessie

do you have your hunting license?.....






idk..... im tired. i read othello in one day (the cheating modern version). people are drunk and singing outside. kelly is amazing. zach braff is still great after the last kiss. jiffy pop popcorn is only found in albertsons. thats all.


"shes beautiful. shes like a guy. shes perfect"
ha!


-jessie

i want to go to boston.... i want to go somewhere new.
i want to go to tucson.... i want to be with you......


AUGUSTANA
"Boston"

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain... oh yeah,
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains

Boston... where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

if anyone was pondering on getting me a gift and was wondering what i want.....



i have been looking for red shoes forever..........
-jessie